I left my last post on protected for a really long time, mainly because it’s super personal, but after a conversation with a woman I admire (who happens to have gone through a very similar situation) she’s made me realise just how important it is that we all speak out about our experiences because you never know who might need to hear it and, of course, she’s right; if it wasn’t for the articles on the affects of emotional abuse and narcissism within relationships (particularly the devaluation cycle and triangulation) that I stumbled across online, I would perhaps still be lost – so to the hundreds of people who shared their stories, thank you, you were the first glimpse of light that allowed me to make sense of it all and maybe through this blog I have been able to do the same for somebody struggling with their self worth.
And with that, I’m closing the book. It took a huge amount of self love, courage and time for the cognitive dissonance associated with my past to lift, and now (with a final push from DA) I’m finally able to see things truly for what they were, without questioning or doubting myself, and can be sure that the darkest days of my mental health struggles are over. I’ve talked it all out, pulled everything apart, boxed it up and now it’s time to bury that section of my life. It’s been a long time coming because, no matter how happy I’ve been, I’ve always had this fear that I might relapse. That fear has now been eradicated. That’s not to say that I might not ever have bouts of anxiety or depression in the future, but they will never again be caused by the total destruction of my self esteem. I remember my therapist once asking me who I’d be without my hospital visits and I burst into tears because I had no idea; I couldn’t visualise her – but here I am.
8 months ago I wrote this in my TRUST post:
‘If I’ve learnt anything by 26, it’s that I deserve someone to be completely and utterly sure of me… and if they’re not? I’ll wish them well and move along. I’m never going to hang around trying to convince someone to love me.’
This, in hindsight, was yet more progression from a low vibrational frequency (fear, self-doubt, low self esteem) to a much higher vibration (confidence, self-love, faith). You can’t fake this, you either feel it within your core, or you don’t. Let me be clear, certain people cannot/will not operate within certain frequencies. When you are at peace with yourself, you don’t tolerate certain behaviours and you maintain healthy boundaries. I’m aware that my past was brought upon myself, due to my poor self image, and I attracted somebody who thrives off low frequencies. They destroyed me to the point where I was forced to come to terms with my own inner trauma; it was my job to learn, heal and progress in order to be happy. This was nobody else’s responsibility other than my own. I used to be utterly codependent, constantly looking outside of myself for somebody to make me feel worthy (which plays straight into the hands of people with Hero Complex as they present themselves as your ‘saviour’ by feigning empathy – this is often the beginning of the abuse cycle). If co-dependency sounds like your personal dynamic, it’s an incredibly dangerous mentality and will only diminish your sense of worth further. Trust me.
Our real work is to do all we can to clean up our connection to ourselves and then love and accept all parts of ourselves enough to get on with expansion. If you want to know what’s going on in your inner life, look at your outer life. The ‘inside’ is the foundation of everything.
The results of this transformation were insane and unlike anything I’d ever experienced. DA came into my life and I began to understand the meaning of true intimacy. The transition into a healthy relationship dynamic wasn’t easy (as I wrote about in my blog post ‘WALL’) but I persisted, without the temptation to self sabotage, and thank God I did. Yesterday was incredibly poignant (eee!) and the clarity/love I feel because of it, along with the pride of resolving past trauma, has been the catalyst for this post. It’s been one hell of a journey but I wouldn’t change a thing.
So this is goodbye to the girl who didn’t think she was ever enough. You are and you always were. Thank you for sticking it out when you thought you couldn’t, for raising the bar and trusting that one day I’d eventually show up and we could start living our best life! And here’s to the future knowing that I’ve only just scratched the surface in terms of how amazing things can be.