Despite being out of therapy for two years now with 0 anxiety attacks, self harm relapses or serious wobbles with my mental state, I still have some habits associated with low self esteem / anxiety which I’m finding hard to break. Namely asking my boyfriend if I’m annoying him and saying ‘sorry’ when I haven’t done anything to warrant an apology. Every time this happens he’s bemused because he doesn’t find me irritating in the slightest but my needless apologies haven’t quite got the memo that they aren’t welcome here anymore. We’re making progress though.
Being with somebody who’s on the same vibrational frequency is quite the eye opener. DA and I haven’t argued once and sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself because it’s a dynamic I’m not used to. I find myself expressing opinions and instantly putting a guard up ready to be shot down… but I never am. I voice my thoughts and I’m met with a conversation; a safe space of mutual respect, support and love (even if we’re in disagreement), but part of my initial defence is always something along the lines of ‘sorry if that offended you’, or ‘we don’t have to if you don’t want to’ or ‘do you want me to stop doing x, y and z’ because, in the past, I felt like an inconvenience. Half the things I said or did used to initiate hostility (which, in turn, initiated hostility in me #catch22) and my ex feeling superior would forever be paramount to anyone else’s feelings. It’s because of past toxicity that I am now, two years later, still having to rewire my brain when it comes to communicating. It’s crazy that I’m finding it difficult to deal with serenity, but when you’ve associated drama with love for such a long time it can seriously warp your perspective. Obviously now I would run from any such dynamic. Red. Flags.
I feel happy on a near constant basis now and I’m still not used to it, but one day soon it will become my new norm and I’ll break out of the cycle of occasionally apologising for having a mind of my own. Until then, I need to give myself a break and understand that, although I’ve come such a long way, there are still pieces of me yet to heal. And that’s ok.