This morning I woke up to a lovely message from somebody I’d not seen in a while, this person had previously been such a source of strength to me and when I told my friend they’d reached out, she said this:
‘I fully believe some people are angels, unbeknown to themselves.’
I keep going on about how much people have helped me realise my full potential this year and have absolutely changed my perspective of myself and the world around me. I believe wholeheartedly that a few select people are directly responsible for helping me turn my world upside down (or… the right way up!) and these people are my angels:
Firstly, I turned up to a flat viewing last year as a ‘fragile little elf’ (Mumma’s words, accurate) looking for a place to live. Little did I know that the landlord of my new apartment would become such a crucial factor in me regaining happiness. This is ludicrous but, when he first offered me a cup of tea, I went into my room and cried my eyes out – simply because having someone think about my needs at that point was overwhelming (which just shows what kind of head-space I was in). He was polite, always took my feelings into consideration, would be concerned about my eating habits and cook for me, trusted me with the keys to his car, came out with all my friends on my Birthday, would offer to drive me anywhere (and pick me up) and would always ask about my day, all without ever expecting anything in return. During the year that I lived with him, my confidence grew a ridiculous amount. He heard the way I was being treated in other areas of my life and was one of the first people who gave me space to hold my head up that bit higher. He had no idea that he was unknowingly building a safe space for me to come home to, one in which my anxiety was shrinking by the day. When I first moved in, I questioned every decision I made, I apologised for myself constantly and couldn’t sleep at all. When I left, all of these habits had disappeared, along with my nightly teeth grinding and the constant, underlying feelings of nausea, stress and fear. This was due to many factors but he was the first (new) angel in my journey and literally no thanks will ever be enough. Finding him and that flat at that time was serendipity and there were a million little signs that I saw whilst living there that a) let me know I was on the right track and b) made me conscious of the spiritual journey I was on. He would laugh at this because in so many ways we couldn’t have been more different but I learnt so much from him and will always hold that year close to my heart. I named that flat ‘my sanctuary’ because it truly was.
S. The most compassionate, beautiful, charismatic and kind 5 year old. I will never forget, when I was in the depths of my depression, when she came into my room, plonked herself on my lap, wiped my tears away and said ‘please don’t cry because it’s all going to be ok, I promise.’ She was right, of course. My heart could burst with love for this little angel and I cannot wait to see her soon.
N. The one who came forward in the Spring and told me the truth about a situation I believed in my gut to be happening, but had always been told (with vehemence) was fictitious. Without her I literally would have still believed my ex when he said that I was a ‘deluded nightmare’ and that the only reason he proposed to me was because he ‘deserved the punishment’. My confidence and belief in myself stemmed from her honesty and I will forever be in awe of her courage. My anxiety, for a long time, was a symptom of what I knew to be true in my gut being constantly challenged and dismissed, this made me doubt my version of reality and totally undermined my belief in my own sanity. Clearly, once the story was straight, my whole life changed. After reaching out to me over Facebook one evening due to her own anxiety, it was clear that we’d both been lied to beyond belief. We were both able to heal by piecing together our versions of events and the big picture was quite astounding. ‘First the truth will piss you off, but then it will set you free’. My fellow empath and a beautiful person inside and out, thank you.
My friends. I’ve said so much about these already so I’m just going to say that I love them. Again. I mean, of course, I’ve always loved them but this year I have absolutely fallen head over heels in love with them. We say all the time how lucky we are and we’ll be saying it until the end of time.
G. My inspiration, my boss, my friend. One of the most selfless and beautiful people I have ever had the privilege to meet. Seeing her happy after everything she’s been through makes me joyous and I’m in awe of her strength and talent every day. Thanks for giving me confidence and for always making me laugh, I love you and DC dearly.
RGS. I’m not even going to go into this but I owe them my sanity over a situation that broke my heart, so I’ll just quickly say thank you for being there, for understanding and most importantly, for not giving up.
My family. I speak to my Grandma every day, she knows how special she is to me (beyond words) and the fact that she’s supportive of this blog makes me smile. She says it gives her perspective and makes her feel more positive and to be honest, even if I’m just doing this for her – that’s enough. I love you and Grandpa endlessly and I’m so looking forward to being on that flight home!
J. The one who’s been through it all and had my back throughout my whole life. She just needs to know how beautiful, kind, talented, thoughtful and loving she is and I will be telling her until the end of time. You know I’m your number one fan and would go to hell and back for you. Although, I think we’ve already been. xxx
B. What a year! 2017 marked the ten year anniversary of when we first met and was the year karma truly proved itself and the impact it has on everything*. Basically, it wasn’t until I was going through a lot of what I had put him through that I realised just how much pain I had caused many years ago. I was only young but still, my selfishness and lack of empathy during our breakup was inexcusable. He is one of the most kind and thoughtful people I know and has taught me so much about love over the years without me even realising. 2017 holds some of the most precious and hilarious memories of us that I will cherish forever. I spent what should have been my wedding day with him and my best friends, in my favourite place on earth, drunk and laughing, feeling more loved and like myself than ever. It turned out to be the happiest day of my life after all. This summer gave closure on so many things and I am so lucky to be able to call him my first love. I’m smiling as I write this because I know everything worked out exactly as it was meant to be and I’m so proud of him. He knows.
Mumma. An angel – but that’s a whole other post. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
D. I don’t even know where to start… I trust you** implicitly without knowing why or how – intuition, ayyyyy! – and can’t quite believe how easy this has all been. Thank you for being my attractive friend, for allowing me the space to figure things out and for knowing exactly what I needed before I even knew myself. The Oliver to my Jenny, the tree to my koala, the rainbow to my grey-scale, I’m so excited that you’re in my life (but you already know all of this because you’re physic). There are a trillion quotes I could put here and I will share them all in time but for now, just know that I love you. x
*I need to write a whole post about karma and the balance of everything because it’s so very real and works both ways. Know that everything you put out into the universe will eventually come back to you one way or another. That means all the negativity but also all the love, don’t I just know it.
**I wrote in a blog post ages ago: ‘I am slowly learning that the only person you can truly trust is yourself.’ – but this isn’t true. I trust everybody close to me right now without a shadow of a doubt. It wasn’t even a choice; I suppose when you know, you just know.
This was the year that prepared me for the rest of my life, spiritually and professionally. The people we surround ourselves with impact our lives tremendously and I’m so proud of the company I’ve kept this year, I love you all. Ahhh, 2018, I seriously cannot wait. x