N.B This is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever written but I felt the need to get it out of my head, even though it makes very little sense.
I have hit a brick wall.
Generally I’m really good at shaking this mood off because I know it’s only temporary and within a few days I always find that everything propels forwards again – but somehow I feel like this is different. It feels like I’ve reached the END of something, it’s just that I don’t know what that ‘something’ is. As though the path I’ve been travelling has ended and I’m just stood at the crossroads with absolutely no clue as to where I go from here.
I am the type of girl who likes to be able to call a spade a spade. I like to be able to pinpoint an emotion/situation and say – yes – I understand why I’m feeling this way and then I can over-think it to my heart’s content, dissecting my thoughts and the way I feel about a situation until I fully understand myself and can move forwards. I’ve been able to self-reflect so much recently and it’s ultimately lead to some kind of personal growth. Whatever. Anyway, I do this A LOT. I’m good at it, I understand myself, I know what I’m about and where my heart is placed at all times.
Apart from now. And it’s beyond infuriating.
It feels like I’ve built up this person over the last year, the person I’ve always dreamt of being, and she’s ready – I just don’t know what the hell she’s ready for. Remember when you were a child and you’d build a Lego castle or whatever and once you’d finished building it, it’s just a bit like – oh – well, what now?
That’s how I feel. Part of me feels the ridiculous need to trample on the castle (this is a terrible metaphor but we’ll go with it) in my self destructive way just so I have an excuse to go back a few steps – but that’s ludicrous.
I think I’m just absurdly happy being in my own little bubble at the moment. A few years ago I couldn’t spend a night alone with out being riddled with anxiety, but now I relish it again. I’m an only child and so when I was younger I was always exceptionally independent, I finally have that back and it’s the greatest feeling ever. I feel totally complete and now I don’t know what to do with myself – so in turn, it’s making me frustrated. Maybe this is it, I just feel content – and maybe I’ve never really felt this before so I’m craving the next high or low. But then again, I desperately don’t want anything to change. I feel torn. The thought of anything jeopardising my happiness scares the living shit out of me, which is why I’ve found it so easy to be picky with who and where I place my energy. But maybe whilst I’ve been busy rebuilding myself, I’ve also been building a huge fucking emotional wall without realising it. Oops. I’m 100% on the edge of something, as I said. I just don’t know what it is. Perhaps it will come crashing into my life, perhaps it already has and I’m in denial. Anyway, for now I’m just going to stay sat at the end of this little path I’ve been on and look back at all I’ve achieved. I’m so very proud. If not a bit restless. x